


Bringing Home the New Boyfriend

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drugs, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 18:17:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2238717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HSWC Bonus Round 1 fill:</p><p>"Gamzee♥Jane</p><p>Remember that time Gamzee embarrassed Jane in front of her dad by eating Dad's keys?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bringing Home the New Boyfriend

Jane took a deep breath and straightened out her skirt, fixing an errant strand of hair and adjusting her tie a bit. She then looked over at Gamzee. Oh, sweet criminy. She sighed. "Gamzee, come on..." She tucked his shirt in and got up on tiptoes, trying to fix... no... just... do anything to... his hair. "Are these Cheeto crumbs? Are there Cheeto crumbs in your hair, Gamzee?"

"I dunno, motherfucker. I mean what's all up in there is those particular things' business, I guess. You know, just, whatever they wanna do is what they're gonna do and I'm okay with that."

"I..." This was a mistake. This was a mistake and it was a huge mistake and why did Jane think it was not a huge mistake? Her first break from college and she was returning home with this huge juggalo boyfriend who only didn't reek of marijuana because she doused him in a bottle and a half of Febreze. Nectar Air Effects, specifically. She took a breath. She had done all she could... and knocked on the door.

It opened and there was her father. She could smell cake. He had baked her a welcome home cake, because he was the sweetest man and also the best dad in the entire world. "Jane! You're home. Do you need help with your bags? Let m--hey! Hey, you, get out of those, what're you doing?"

Jane whipped around in horrified expectation, and her expectations weren't far off the mark as she spotted her boyfriend rubbing his face on a flowery bush, smearing make-up all over the leaves. She couldn't believe he put it on in the car, after he agreed to leave it off, just to meet her dad.

"Get out of here, clown! I settled my debt with Barnum and Bailey and I will not stand for this harassm--"

"Dad! Dad! It's okay! That's just. That's... Gamzee. Gamzee, please get out of the rhododendrons. Come say hi."

"That's..." Oh no. He was worried enough when he saw his daughter was in a relationship on Facebook. That meant it was official. And he reluctantly said that of course he wanted to meet him. And he was worried when he saw his posts on her wall. Talking about 'wIcKeD eLiXiRs' and God knows what else. And he hoped that this would be some kind of short-lived phase for Jane. And he suddenly took back all the times he pleaded with whatever higher power would listen that she wouldn't end up with that smug awkward Strider kid she knew in high school with the control issues and the cartoon pony t-shirts. Whatever happened to him? "Hello."

"Sup, homie?"

"Dad, this is Gamzee Makara. Gamzee, this is my dad."

Mr. Crocker looked at Gamzee and held out an uncertain hand for the young man to shake. Gamzee looked at it, blinked a few times, and then gave him some weird mixture of a slap, a fist-bump, and some kind of weird octopus-like finger waggling gesture.

"Hell yeah, motherfucker. Nice place you got up in here. Messiahs musta been smilin' down on you."

"Um."

"Come on." Jane spoke up, kind of pushing against her father. "Let's all just get inside. Do I smell cake, Dad? I am pretty sure I smell cake. Gamzee likes to bake, don't you, Gamzee?"

Gamzee was staring at an interesting beetle crawling up the doorframe, but whipped his head around, looking past Jane, and then focusing on her again? "Awwww, shit, yes. You know I do. I mean, I got a batch of magic brownies in the trunk I brought as a surprise. Lemme just go and get 'em and we can get downright miraculous."

Jane went wide-eyed with horror. "No! No no! No. My dad made cake! We'll have cake. We don't want it to... go... stale." Gosh golly fuck was this not going as planned. A small voice in her head was pleading with her to reevaluate this relationship. Yes, he was attractive. And yes, he had a predilection for girls with Jane's particular build. And sure, he was funny and interesting and a genius in the kitchen and could fuck like no one she'd ever experienced before holy heck. She had to tell him no before the drive here just because she wanted to be sure she'd have full use of her legs. But then there was this... weirdness. But, at least they were going inside.

And at least there was cake. Gamzee eating usually meant Gamzee not talking. And usually Gamzee zoning out with a mouthful of food while he apparently contemplated how molecules could have flavors.

And the cake was beautiful. Jane carried their bags in while her dad grabbed the cake. Buttercream icing. Fondant flowers. Was it red velvet? It smelled like red velvet with maybe just a hint of caramel? Oh, he went above and beyond. "No boxed mix today, Dad? As your daughter, I have to say it looks and smells amazing. But as future president of Betty Crocker, I am worried about my profit margins." She let out her typical hoo-hoo of a laugh and sat down.

Her dad didn't laugh though. Her dad didn't say anything. Her dad was too busy gawking with a look of bewilderment and a complete lack of comprehension on his face. She turned her head to see why. And soon her face matched his.

Gamzee had his head tilted back, mouth open wide, tongue pushing out past his lips. His eyes were closed and his hand was poised to drop something into his mouth. And that particular something? Keys. Her father's keys. House, work locker, desk, and the plastic car thing with the lock and unlock buttons and the thing that works the car alarm. And he dropped them. And with a massive, audible gulp... they were gone.

Jane had so many questions. Mr. Crocker had so many questions. 'Why' was one. 'Why the fuck would you do that' was another. 'What the hell is wrong with you' was a third. 'Why are we together' was another one, but only Jane was asking that. She was bright red with shame and embarrassment. Betty Crocker logo red. And Gamzee? Gamzee looked so flipping pleased with himself, smacking his lips and letting out a sigh. He then spotted two faces barely containing embarrassment, outrage, and a whole mess of what-the-hell-is-happening, and blinked. "Huh?"

Finally, Jane's dad spoke, even before Jane did. He looked out the still open door. "Did you say... magic brownies? How magic? And I need three."


End file.
